


Summer.

by Campanella_Mie



Category: Kanzaki Iori, Vocaloid
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Realistic, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22684927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Campanella_Mie/pseuds/Campanella_Mie
Summary: Based on the Kanzaki Iori songs "That Summer Is Saturated/あの夏が飽和する" and "I'll Die When It's My Time/死ぬとき死ねばいい". This is the story of two youths who selfishly reject the reality around them as they escape into what they perceive is their 'truth'.A dive into the teens who are too attached to the word 'goodbye' without knowing its true meaning. A summer of a murderer and a useless person.
Relationships: Kagamine Len/Kagamine Rin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. A Summer of You and Me

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [That Summer Is Saturated](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/558625) by Kanzaki Iori. 



“I killed a person yesterday.” 

Those were the words I said to you. On a rainy, cold summer’s day, my sweat and tears, hidden beneath a layer of summer rain. I wondered what kind of face you were making behind that door. Would it have been a look of surprise? One of sorrow? Or perhaps one of horror? Knowing you, you were probably making a stupid face, completely dumbfounded with no idea how to react. There were not many appropriate reactions to hearing my words. There was not any appropriate reaction to a murder confession at the start of summer.

My hands were trembling then, though I did not know if it was out of fear, or if it was simply due to the cold. Though I was standing in front of your room, I never knocked on your door, and you never let me in. I simply slumped against that wooden frame, and a hushed thudding sound told me you did the same. I leaned back against that door and gazed up towards the ceiling, the familiar cobwebs and dust spots gave me an odd sense of comfort. It was the same as when we played as children. Your house was the same as always. You were the same as always. 

You never asked me what happened, or asked if I was okay, but even that was fine too. You did not reject me, nor did you accept me. It’s as if you said “It is what it is.” through that deafening silence. Behind this door, you were in the same position I am, our backs propped up against each other’s. That was enough for me. That alone gave me a sense of comfort. That alone, meant more than any hug or kind words.

“It was my closest friend.”

The words started coming out uncontrollably. Perhaps it was a desire to confess my sins, perhaps I felt I did not deserve this feeling of comfort. 

“I got fed up and shoved them away.

But I hit a bad place and now they aren’t here anymore.”

You never responded to anything I said, nor could I see what kind of expression you were making. It was all hidden behind this door. You weren’t judging me, were you? You accepted what I said without question, without curiosity.

“I don’t think I can stay here.

I don’t think my life can go on like this.

I’m going somewhere far away to die, alone.” 

It was then that I felt a knock on that door. That was the first time you addressed me directly. Not when I confessed to a murder. Not when I said I killed my best friend. It was when I wished to die alone. 

“Then, take me with you.”

Your slurred words and trembling voice were heard loud and clear through this barrier. You must’ve been scared, too. That was made clear to me. But you wanted to stay strong, didn’t you? 

“Bring some juice. And a noose, too.” 

You didn’t tremble as much this time. Was this your way of comforting me? For whose sake did you want to be brave for? Your words stopped my shaking for a moment.

“Let’s bring our favorite games too, in case we get bored.” 

All of a sudden I felt the floor beneath me shake, and the door behind me sway a little. The doorknob above me turned 90 degrees, with a distinct clicking sound that echoed throughout your hallway. I pulled away from that door as it started to open and turned my head back instinctively. As the door creaked, you peered your head through that small opening, and our eyes met immediately. 

Ah. So this is how you looked like. Your vacant eyes, hidden behind that thick pair of glasses. You wore a neutral expression, but I can tell you were hiding a lot of pain. No, not pain. It was something else. It was almost as if you felt relief. It was almost as if the thought of throwing your life away was relieving. As if you had committed a heavy sin just like me. Even though you have done nothing wrong.

“Let’s throw away everything we don’t need. Our textbooks, our uniforms, our diaries. We won’t be needing them anymore, now that things are like this.” 

Despite your innocent-looking face, you were capable of expressing such words. Those words sounded stern, and confident. No longer slurred, and your voice was no longer trembling. Did you really strengthen your resolve in the mere seconds it took to stand up or open this door? Or was this something you decided in your mind a long time ago? I did not know the answer. 

I blankly nodded, without thinking much about what you said. I came to your house to confess my sins and say my goodbyes, yet that’s not what happened. You knelt down and took my right hand in your own, grasping it tightly as you pulled it up. Looking at your arm, the difference in our bodies became clear. Your fingers were longer, and bigger than mine, it completely eclipsed my own. Your grip was firm and strong, it alone was enough to stop my trembling.

You were different back then. Our hands were the same size, and you were shorter than I am. You would cry at the slightest thing and rely on me for help with anything. I never noticed how much things have changed since. Perhaps it was because we spent everyday together. When did you lose your innocence? When did you stop crying? When did you find the preparedness to throw your life away? Once again, I did not know the answer. 

With your help, I stood back up. Never letting go of my hand, you dashed out of your house, taking me with you. Without realizing it, the rain had stopped at one point, and the scorching summer rays replaced it. We ran through our neighborhood one last time, hand in hand, absorbed in our small world. The various homes and stores around me passed like a blur, all I could focus on was your back. 

When we arrived at my house, you let go of me, and let me enter first. I opened the main door and headed immediately to my room. My house was empty, just the way it was when I left it to come to your place. Mother and father were away on vacation, along with my little brother. That summer, my house was for me alone. You quietly followed behind me, not a word was said between us. Not even stopping to take a look at the empty corridors and familiar items. We did not want to indulge in nostalgia. We did not want to have any attachments that would shake our determination.

I let out a sigh as I entered my room. Seeing my nameplate on the door snapped me out of that blank trance and pulled me back to reality. For a moment, I realized what I was about to do, and my hands started to shake again. I began to second guess myself as I froze in place. My bedroom, was still the same too. My smartphone was plugged into the socket. All my plush animals adorned my bed, as if waiting waiting for its owner to come home. The scattered mess of my school uniform I haven’t cleaned since summer started, it was all still there.

It did not make sense to me. How could the familiarity at your place be so comforting, yet the same familiarity at my house was so distressing? I closed my eyes and looked away from my bed, heading straight to my wardrobe. I changed out of my dripping wet clothes and into a more appropriate attire for going out. Making sure to not look at anything that would remind me of my ‘self’, I turned away from the mirror, the various selfies I took at the photo booth, anything that would remind me of what I was. 

I grabbed my smartphone and a handheld game, and put both of them in my school bag. With my bag slung around my shoulder, I put my right hand on the door knob and took a deep breath. Once again, hesitation. I kept my focus on the doorknob, because I knew looking at anything else would make me falter. 

“I’m… Going to die. This is… What a murderer like me deserves.”

Those words repeated itself inside my head several times. Those are what I wanted to hear. Those are the words that gave me the most comfort. I repeated them until I stopped hesitating, and opened that door. 

You were waiting there, still with the same expression you had before. I noticed your cheeks turn red when our eyes met again, and you averted your gaze. At that time, I did not know why you had such a reaction to seeing me. But, perhaps I did know, and I was simply playing dumb, because acknowledging your actions would’ve only shaken my determination. It would’ve only planted a seed of attachment neither of us wanted. 

As we left the house, I hung my head and focused only on where I walked, avoiding as much of what was around me as possible. You on the other hand, looked straight on, with eyes that seem to gaze beyond what was in front of you, eyes filled with a macabre resolve. You did not as much as acknowledge the world around you, simply holding my hand as you lead us to our next destination.

When was it, that this world lost meaning to you?

We walked and walked, well past the limits of our small neighborhood. Not looking back even once, we simply walked on with no real destination in mind. When we stepped past our city, that was when the realization hit me that we were leaving with no intention of returning. But for you, that thought never crossed your mind in the first place. You kept going forward, as if it was something you had been looking forward to. The summer sun slowly dipped below the horizon, and the blue sky turned orange.

With our legs exhausted, we took a short break at an ordinary bus stop. Out of breath and out of energy, I slumped down on one of the benches to let my legs rest. I took my smartphone out to check the time, and was surprised at how long we had been walking for. All the people and surroundings around us were like a blur, it didn’t feel real to me. Perhaps it was because I didn’t want it to feel real. I didn’t want anything to feel real, to clash with what I had chosen. As I pondered, I felt a freezing sensation brush against my cheek all of a sudden.

I look to the source of it, and saw you holding a can of juice pressed against my cheek. Just like you said earlier; “Bring some juice.” Remembering this, I unwillingly let out a small chuckle in amusement, despite earlier believing that I didn’t deserve comfort, let alone joy. You sat down next to me as we sipped that cold drink, not forgetting to exchange a toast beforehand. A toast with no real meaning behind it, we simply thought it would be appropriate to toast just like adults do. We didn’t say a word to each other, but I knew that was what you were thinking too.

We abandoned our families. Our classmates. Our past. Our future. We who selfishly decided ‘This world is worthless’, were determined to die together in a far away place, just the two of us, with no one else. That was, how we started our summer.

It was the summer of you and me, a worthless person and a murderer.


	2. Clear Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is good and evil?  
> The teens decide for themselves, comparing their experiences in their short lives.

The cry of cicadas rung endlessly. It was to be expected, it was summer after all. These insects who spend their whole lives sheltered under the ground, burrowing deep into the safety and relative kindness of mother earth for all but one month of their life, where they spend summer looking for a mate, leave behind offspring, and die. When you think about it, they do not lead an enviable life, nor was it one that can be compared to that of a human’s, but compare I did. Through my lens, I’d have rather been born a cicada, blissfully unaware of the sins and ugliness of the world, surfacing only to fulfill the basic function of mating, and then expiring shortly thereafter.

A human is born without sin, without fault. Pure, like a blank canvas. A canvas painted by experiences, by memories. Thoughts and feelings. Enriched by good and love. Besmirched by evil and hatred. Who was it that decided such things as “evil” and “hatred” in the first place, anyway? Was it God? Or was it humans, the appointed lawmakers around us? What is good? What is evil? As we walked through this dense forest, surrounded by nothing but the beauty of mother earth and the cry of cicadas, I find my human mind unable to put this topic to rest.

“It is a shame that I don’t belong in this world anymore.” I thought to myself. The clear skies above did little to shelter us from the intense rays of the summer sun. Though we found shade between the rows of trees that surrounded us, it was barely enough to stave off the heat. Though your expression remained calm throughout, I could tell by your exhausted breath and sweat-covered face that you felt a modicum of tiredness, too.

I wonder why you tried to hide that uncomfortableness so much. Even as I approach you, you would take two steps to stay ahead of me. You would look back, wipe the sweat off your brow and say “I’m fine.”. 

“Let’s take a short break here.”

In the end it was me who had to break that stubbornness. I tapped the back of your neck with a cold bottle of water. It was the only way I could think of to get you to stop being so stubborn. For some reason, you looked dejected. As if being told to stop for a break went against something in your mind. You took the water from my hand and stared absently at the cap for a brief few seconds. 

Ah, I think I’m starting to get it. Your absent gaze… It wasn’t absent after all. You were slowly returning to reality. Slowly coming to terms with the things around you. To yourself. To being a human. That conflicted, confused expression. For the first time since we ran away several days ago, you were forced to acknowledge your humanity. The thirst in your throat. The soreness in your joints. The exhaustion in your heart.

All the parts of you that were human got in the way.

We had lived like slaves to our whims. We drank because we felt like drinking. We ate because we felt like eating. We rested because we felt like resting. Thoughts of ‘I need to eat, or I’ll be starved’ never crossed our heads. Rather, we were too focused on our whims to let it cross our heads. 

Thus, we carried on. Single-mindedly focused on our goal to “Go far away and die”. Someone who was going to die didn’t need water. Or food. Or rest. We simply did those things as a final goodbye. Our next meal might be our last meal, after all. We declared that such things were a tertiary need, like that of pleasure. That of toys, and videogames. Leisurely activities. What was it that caused us to act like such hypocrites? Was it selfishness? Or was it our own stubbornness? At this time, I didn’t know. 

We decided to sit down near one of the big oak trees that lined this otherwise empty road. It was a strip of road that connected our countryside hometown to another town further inland. Somewhere more secluded. Somewhere untouched by the ugliness of humans. You let out a sigh as you reluctantly took your place beside me, while I quietly stretched my aching, exhausted body, resting against the wood behind. 

“Hey,”

My voice broke the tense silence between us.

“Why did you decide to come with me?”

It was a simple question, but one that had bothered me this entire time. Unlike me, you did not commit a grave sin that you had no choice but to run away from. You still had a future ahead of you. For that matter, you accepted the confession of a murderer without so much as questioning it. Without so much as being confused, or being surprised, even though it came from your childhood friend. 

Why? That was all I could think of. It was as if you had planned on leaving the world behind this entire time, and was simply waiting for something, anything to use as an excuse. That was not the kind of person I knew you were. You were honest, straightforward to a fault. Stubborn. You did things without needing an excuse.

“I felt like I couldn’t return to that place.”

Was what you answered with. Quick and to the point, but without actually answering the question itself. Almost like you wanted to deflect it altogether. It was an answer that only left me more confused, but it was not worth pressing further. If you did not want to answer the question, then you did not want to. It can’t be helped. I nodded my head silently to accept your answer, even though I knew I would ask you the same question again at some point, before we die.

“I wonder what evil is.”

I accidentally blurted my thoughts out loud. The topic that permeated in my head since a while ago.

“Is it the opposite of good? Or does it have its own meaning? Who decided what evil is in the first place?”

My rambling continued on. It was the first time since we left I felt this talkative. Perhaps it was due to the fact we had to face our humanity that led me to this.

“Then, what is good?”

Your reply pierced through my rant, stopping me before I could start another sentence. I pondered for a bit, searching deep within for an answer, but I couldn’t find one. I looked up into the sky, the clear, sunny afternoon sky that tinted the world around is in a faint orange.

“This world… Is good.”

I blurted out. I wasn’t entirely sure what I meant by that. This world is amoral, I knew that. Mother nature acts impartially, fairly towards everyone. It judges no one yet everyone at once. It gives equal recompensation no matter who or what they are. Surely something amoral cannot be ‘good’. 

“...That’s what I think, at least. The world teaches us what’s good and what isn’t. Justice is good. Truth and honesty is good. The things opposite to that are evil. That’s what we’ve been taught.”

“Isn’t it selfish to proclaim such actions as either ‘good’, or ‘evil’?”

You stopped me once again.

“Justice is good? Who decided that? The judges and juries of this world can be bought by money. Truth and honesty are viewed as evil and corrupt if they stand in the way of someone else’s truth.”

Your voice was almost trembling, your eyes cold and filled with anger. Was this what you had hidden in your head this whole time? This anger, this hatred towards the world. Was this what you saw through the lens of your glasses? A fraudulent, contradictory world. But… I could feel that this wasn’t all. You sounded upset that you even thought about the world this way. As if the mere thought made you want to cry. Made you wish you didn’t see things this way.

“This world that selfishly proclaims things as ‘good’ or ‘evil’ are the real evil. ‘Live life to its fullest’, ‘Keep going without giving up’, aren’t they all just make-believe that trampled on our feelings? It’s a sin to be sad. It’s a sin to give up. It’s a sin to not enjoy life. Everything is a sin if you so much as step out of a line we humans arbitrarily decided.”

“You...”

“If you are bearing a sin for the murder of your bully, then I am bearing a sin for the murder of ideals.”

The murder of… Ideals? I had no idea what you meant by that. I couldn’t comprehend the concept. Things are good and evil, it just made sense. A murderer is evil. Evil people don’t deserve a place in this world. Thus, I am to throw away my life to atone for my sins. That was my train of thought. My rationalization. I couldn’t accept anything else.

I didn’t want to accept anything else.

“I see. That means, we’re both evil people. So, for us to die would be a good thing. This world is beautiful and pure, but evil people taint it. Aren’t we doing this world a service by leaving it?”

“....Yeah, I suppose… That’s true.”

At the time, I pretended to not notice, but you had hesitation in answering that. I didn’t know why you hesitated. After all, it was you who stated you bore as much a sin as I did. It was you who said that we stepped out of line, thus condemning us as sinners. I thought to myself that I had understood what you meant earlier. Why you reacted that way to my invitation of suicide.

You had branded yourself a ‘worthless person’.

Your bile would not be accepted by the world around you. You would be a nail that stuck out and had to be hammered in, or removed. A waste. Worthless, just like trash. That’s why you couldn’t return to that place. Why we couldn’t return to that place. To leave this world behind and say goodbye would be a huge relief to both of us.

Before realizing it, I found myself resting on your shoulders, bathed in the afternoon rays of the August sun. Surrounded by the cry of cicadas, by an ocean of trees and nature. Just the two of us, a murderer and a worthless person, in a place that did not recognize us as such. As I closed my eyes and gave in to exhaustion and weariness, I felt a warmth wrap around me. It was your arm, nesting me against your body. 

When we were kids, our bodies were similar in size, and shape. As we grew older, I grew taller than you. Before I knew it, I had stopped getting taller, but you did not. You kept growing and growing, and eventually the distance between our heights got as wide as the distance between us.

When we were kids, we spent every day together. We played. We laughed. We cried. Together. Inseparable. As time passed, we became more aware of each other. You hung out with boys, I hung out with girls. You got into video games, I got into makeup and clothes. You never tried to fit into the crowd, while I strived for the approval of those around me. Before long, we were no longer friends, but childhood friends.

We became aware of each other. Your broad shoulders. Tall body. Large hands. I’m sure you noticed me, as well. My chest. My hips. My lips. That’s why you averted your gaze whenever we spoke in school. You didn’t know where to look. The distance between us gradually grew further and further, dividing what was once a pure friendship with feelings of lust and romance. Hormonal imbalances of a teenager’s body.

But by this point, none of that mattered any more. There was no lust or romance involved. I fell into the lull of sleep in your arms, feeling nothing but an odd sense of safety and comfort.

Time passed, and we found ourselves awake once more. The sun had gone, replaced by the moon. The intense rays gave way to the summer constellations. As if watching over us, Orihime and Hikoboshi guided our way, illuminating the otherwise pitch-black roads. We marched onwards, to find a suitable place to die.

This place was beautiful. Too beautiful to disturb.

The clear skies reflected the newfound clarity in our heart as we continued on our one-way street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings, this is Campanella. Thank you for continuing to read "Summer."
> 
> The first full chapter, "Clear Sky", serves to establish some more character in the nameless "Me" and "You". Kagamine Rin as 'me' is a clueless idealist, clinging to her childish understanding of morality just as it started to be challenged, while Len as 'you' is a cynical realist, who rejects traditional morality.
> 
> Their tale will continue.


	3. Five Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their summer continues. As they delve deeper and further into their delusions, running farther away from the reality of the world, they are faced with a nostalgic scenery.

In the end, we were never loved by anyone.

With that thought festering in our mind, we ran away further and further, to the ends of that summer. There was no-one else in our world but the other. After all, we decided that this world was worthless. Nothing matters anymore. Through that arrogant, self-justification, we continued on living in this worthless world. We held onto that thought of dying in a faraway place, but that faraway place somehow only got further and further away. We weren’t attached to anything in this world, but saying that final goodbye became harder and harder. 

Declaring things such as virtue and morals as nothing more but perversions and corruptions of ‘those around us’, we abandoned such concepts. Stealing money to survive. Skipping the ticket gates at train stations. We committed all sorts of petty crime for no reason other than to fulfill our selfish egos; After all, this world didn’t matter to us. Therefore, we don’t matter to this world. 

We’d spend the day walking aimlessly, going as the crow flies to no particular destination. When we got tired, we’d stop and take a break. We’d find a vending machine by the side of the road for drinks, or a stall for food. We stopped denying our humanity, instead now becoming a slave to it. Free from the shackles and constraints of responsibility and rules, we enjoyed that freedom a little too much. After all, we felt as though we had nothing left to lose. 

‘If anything goes wrong, we’ll die then and there.’

Was what we promised each other. Life, death, it doesn’t matter anymore. Now that we’re like this, nothing matters anymore. Egotistically abstaining ourselves from consequences, we lived on. Despite declaring ourselves as two people who don’t deserve to live, we continued to live on. 

Underneath this indiscriminate, intense summer sun, we walked on through this old town. It might have had a name, but neither you nor I cared enough to find it out. After all, it is but another ‘stop’ in our journey. We would never return to this place in the first place, so there was no reason to do as much as acknowledge it and the people that live in it.

We trudged on through an uphill road that led to the outskirts of this town, surrounded still by the chorus of cicadas that seemed to be a constant in our journey. As we reached the zenith of that hill, a sudden gust of wind blew over me, hard enough to blow my hat far away. It happened so quickly, so suddenly, that it was almost as if I was forced to stop. I was forced to return to reality for a moment, and acknowledge my surroundings.  
I turned around, and saw the town we had left behind me. From this distance, it was practically indistinguishable from our hometown. The generic, nondescript residential buildings that lined the roads, the empty, narrow roads that did not cater for larger vehicles. I could see a temple off to the side, and a shrine nearby. The empty stairways that led up to those holy buildings, lined by cedar trees felt both nostalgic and harrowing. 

In the past, I would play with you on temple grounds just like that. Running up and down the stairs with no purpose, pretending to be superheroes, lost in our own imagination. The rules of the world didn’t matter to us then. After all, we were innocent kids free of sin, free of responsibility. I became trapped in my own thoughts and memories. Those joyful times when we were free to do as we please, those joyful times when all we cared about was spending time with each other.

Sometimes you would trip and fall. You would bruise a knee and cry innocently, and me, not knowing what to do, would also cry. Other times, it was the opposite. Whenever I tripped and fell, you would offer a hand to help me up, and try to stop me from crying. I think you used to say ‘That’s what my dad tells me to do.’. 

“Ah, times sure have changed.” I thought to myself. We who were once crybabies, now cannot so much as shed a tear at the thought of running away from anything and leaving this world behind. I continued to let myself be lost in my memories, reminiscing to what I thought was a joyful period in my life, to ‘something precious’ that I have not found since. 

Realizing that I have stopped in place, you walked over to my side, curious as to what was it that I was so lost in. It was then that I realized that times have not changed that much. Just like back then, we ran up and down the roads with no purpose, lost in our own imagination. The rules of the world stopped mattering to us. After all, we were sinful adults too far beyond salvation and saving, beyond things as responsibilities and morals.

We stopped pretending to be superheroes, and we instead pretended to be corpses. No longer human.

The summer wind continued to rage, soothing the intense heat that surrounded us. I averted my gaze away from the past, and instead towards you. Through the last how many days, how many miles, how many towns, one thing remained the same, one thing remained by my side. It was you. The sight of your back as we held each other’s hands while running from place to place, the sight of your exhausted, weary face as we rested on each other. It was the one thing I found comforting, the one thing I couldn’t ignore.

After all, we only had each other by this point. I believed that ‘I had never been loved’, quickly and easily found myself trusting and depending on you. I thought that you felt that felt the same way, and with that ugly thing in common, we found ourselves closer to each other than we had ever been. There was no one else in the world but you. There was no one else but us.  
That’s when I realized what it was that made saying goodbye so difficult. I didn’t want to say goodbye to you. The one lingering attachment I had to this world. Just as you couldn’t let go of my hand, I found myself unable to let go of my attachment. Perhaps it was possible for us to run away so far, that we would be able to continue on living like this, just the two of us. We’d run away from the ugly, corrupted world filled with despicable adults who push their morals and virtues on us, and when we’ve finally had our fill of this world, we’d bid our goodbyes to each other and to this world, before finally killing ourselves.

It was nice to be able to think like that, even for a brief moment. The thought of being with you filled my head with the first sprinklings of ‘happiness’ that I haven’t felt for such a long while. Maybe, just maybe, that selfish wish could come true.

“...It’s a shame.”

Your words broke the silence this time. It came as a shock, for usually I was the one to initiate conversation between us. 

“What is?” 

My reply was rather empty, as I was still lost in my own thoughts.

“That we simply couldn’t enjoy the world like this.”

“....”

I stayed quiet. I felt the somberness and sadness in your voice.

“Do you remember, our last year of middle school? You started becoming more outgoing, finally stopped becoming so attached to me, and made efforts to become more ‘accepted’ to those around you?”

I nodded meekly.

“I realized then that I did not particularly want to do anything with the world. The career prospect write-up that we were made to fill in, what did you write down?”

“I think I said… I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to be useful in some way, but I didn’t know how to yet at the time, so I answered with that. My friends helped me come up with an answer, otherwise I’d probably have left it empty.”

My chattery mouth went off once again, emptying my thoughts into words before I could even wrap my head around what I was saying.

“That’s what I did. I left it empty.”

I felt your hand gripping tightly on my own, tighter than you ever did before. You turned your face towards me, as our eyes finally meet once more. Your expression wasn’t like before. It was clear that you felt endless regret and remorse, as if you were on the verge of crying yourself.

“I didn’t know what I wanted to do. My parents and teachers gave me a scolding for it, so I started to think there was something wrong with me. As we entered high school, that feeling never quite left.” 

You grimaced at the thought. There was more to the bile in your head than you had let out previously, and all I could respond with to you pouring your heart out was dumbfounded silence.

“It’s not as though I wanted to die a failure with nothing to my name, but I couldn’t find anything in this world worth doing either. The more I thought about it, the more it haunted me. The more I became convinced that I’m a defect.” 

“You never told me about this…” I tried to calm you down. I didn’t know why, but seeing you so distressed made me feel deeply bothered.

“I couldn’t have told you. There was a distance between us by then. You had your friends and afterschool activities, while I continued down the only path I knew, the path I was told to follow. I didn’t have it in me to ruin your innocently smiling days with my nonsense, with the ramblings of a defect.”

You harshly shot me down. By this point, your voice was once again trembling, your hands shaking. I could do nothing but grip your hand in my own, in a desperate attempt to calm you down.

“I only wanted to live a peaceful, calm life. I wanted to look at this beautiful blue sky every day. I wanted to write my thoughts on a piece of paper only for myself to read. But that way of thinking was incompatible. It was sinful to think of living without a proper job. That’s when I realized that I did not fit in this world.”

“...”

“Everything became meaningless garbage to me. Morals, truths, virtues, all of them were shams extolled by humans to weed out those that disagree with them. I am a worthless person. I continued on living without any purpose, without any aim, yet I was too cowardly to say goodbye to this world.”

Now, everything made sense. Why you so quickly said to bring you with me when I told you I would commit suicide. Why you absentmindedly continued to walk on, determined to find a suitable place for both of us. You were waiting for something like this to happen all along. 

Your speech had left me speechless. My brain tried meaninglessly to formulate a string of words that could convey what I wanted to convey to you, but I couldn’t find it. Thus, in the silence that followed, I threw words away, and decided to convey my thoughts in the form of an action; a hug. 

I let go of your hand, instead wrapping my arms around your waist as tight as I could. I couldn’t bear seeing you shake and tremble like that. I wanted to keep you in one piece as much as I can. Thus, I hugged you. Hugged you as tight as possible so that you wouldn’t fall apart. To hold and embrace you in my hand, so that you wouldn’t slip away from me. 

The silence that followed was deafening. I couldn’t tell how you reacted, as I had buried my face in your warm embrace, but you were probably confused, shocked. Then, I felt something wrap around me as well. You returned my hug, pulling me closer to you while holding me in your arms. For a brief moment, as our bodies connected and I could feel your warmth embrace my body once more, the sprinklings of happiness from earlier turned into a wave of emotions.

I felt… Happy. 

I felt happy to have you, right now, in this moment.

Was it alright for a murderer to feel happiness? Was it justice for a murderer to be happy? Those thoughts didn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters in this world anymore, except you. I could easily and thoughtlessly say goodbye to this worthless world, but I had found something still worthwhile in this world.

I made it this far because of you.

\---

Night fell once more. We made it to another town, equally lively as the rest of them. As we walked through the empty roads, we came across an announcement on the wall. An announcement that reminded me that my dream from earlier would never come true. An announcement that shattered my delusions of being happy with you.

\---  
‘Missing Persons Board

Shimozaki Rin (16)  
Kirishima Ren (16)

Ran away from Higashi-Inaba on 25/7

Report to the nearest police station if spotted’  
\---

Was what it said. Our faces were prominently displayed on the bulletin, so there was no mistaking our identities. 

Our fragile, little happiness came crashing down as we were made to confront cruel reality once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings, this is Campanella. Thank you for continuing to read "Summer". 
> 
> The second chapter, "Five Letters" finally illustrates the deep sorrow left in the male lead's heart, while also delving into the nature of their relationship. By the way, I learned from experience that once you disconnect yourself from the world, you find yourself anchoring your feelings and emotions on a person you deem special. As two runaways who only have each other left, their emotions for each other is as harmful as it is pure.
> 
> Additionally, their names were revealed in this chapter. Shimozaki Rin is the female lead, the first-person narrator, while Kirishima Len is the male lead, who the narrator refers only to as 'you'. 
> 
> Their tale will continue.


	4. To Die.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The journey comes to a close. Part 1 of the epilogue to 'Summer', told in the perspective of 'what happened then'.

We ran. Through the night. Through the town. Through the valley of sunflowers. All the way until dawn broke, we kept running. As if desperately trying to escape the approaching hands of reality that threatened to drag us away from our make-believe world. As if desperately clinging to our selfish wish ‘to die’. It was as farcical as it gets; to run away from what we perceive as ‘evil’ by protecting our self-proclaimed right to throw away our lives. We did not want to be found, as being found would mean we were saved from our own deaths. Returned, to the life that we had thrown away. Now, we are enemies of life. We, who were hated by life itself, selfishly hated life because of it.

All this time, we kept running, I held onto your hand. You guided me through the surrounding darkness, through the silence of the night, wherever we went, only one sight remained unchanging. From the start of our journey, till now, only one sight remained the same. The sight of your back, as you led me through to nowhere. Perhaps it was why I found your presence so soothing, so comforting. Because I had you to depend on, I had you to affirm to me that our choice was not ‘wrong’. You were my one and only ally in this world, the one and only other person in this world. That sparkle of happiness of yesterday was not a mistake, nor was it wrong. I truly did only make it this far because of you.

However, this was far enough.

The morning sun broke, replacing the idle whistling of night birds with the chorus of cicadas that we had both gotten used to. The sun’s indiscriminate rays revealed our surroundings to us, for the first time since night fell. Train tracks, as far as the eye can see. Extending all the way in front of us and behind us, yet, there were no other sights around. Surrounded by oak trees in one side and a field of weeds on the other, it was a nondescript location, completely indistinguishable from any other. 

This was suitable.

“I think… This is far enough away.”

I exclaimed. Letting go of your hand, I stopped running at our earlier pace, slowing down to a relaxed, brisk walk. Oddly, I did not feel a sense of exhaustion, nor fatigue. It was almost as if my body was telling me that I had made it. As if it was crying out to me, “There will be nothing more after this, so live out your last moments to its fullest.” True enough, my body felt light, weightless. I could raise and hold my head up high, no longer focused on your back, or the ground beneath me. Now I can see clearly this beautiful, untainted world, free from the influence of corrupted and twisted adults. The playful chirping of cicadas, the sweet aroma of the forest, the warmth of the morning sun, I was able to feel all of them again after what felt like forever. Off to the distance, I could see the tall mountain ranges that could only be described as picturesque. Impressive structures that towered past the clouds, into God’s domain, covered in rich greenery.

“This world is beautiful.”

I reaffirmed myself of that knowledge as I paused to take in the scenery. This was it. This was what I’ve been searching all along. A suitable, beautiful place to die. The weight of sin was lifted off my shoulders, the shackles of responsibility were casted off my ankles. An odd sense of liberation knowing that my final resting place would be a pure world. Before long, I found myself walking along the railroads, precariously balancing myself on the thin metal beam that stretched out to infinity. My hands were outstretched to keep me from falling over, as I continued to play along the tracks innocently.

The sensation reminded me of simpler times. Of innocent times. Back when we were children, balancing ourselves atop the low walls that surrounded our town. Well, now that I think about it, you never joined me, instead walking on the ground below, keeping watch and holding my hand so that I wouldn’t fall down. 

That slow walk gradually turned into an adventurous stride, skipping and waltzing along the tracks while humming to myself. All the heavy burden of thought and consciousness evaporated with each step, instead fully embracing the innocence and purity of youth, earnestly wishing and yearning to return to those times. 

As like back then, you walked beside me. Your usually pained, exhausted expression also looked decidedly different. You had a gentle smile as you watched me childishly skip. Perhaps this too, was part of your wish. To simply look at the innocent blue sky, enjoying this beautiful world without worrying about material things like money or possessions. 

No, that’s not quite right, is it?

That wasn’t why you were smiling. I pretended to not notice, because I did not want to acknowledge that I had lingering attachments and bonds in this world. However, after reaffirming my bond to you yesterday, and witnessing your gentle, earnest smile, I could no longer turn away. I could no longer pretend to not notice, no longer pretend that we were simply allies in our fight against life. The moment you turned your gaze away upon seeing my dress, the moment you froze up when I said I would redeem myself by dying, the moment you returned my hug, I told myself that it was because we only had each other.

But deep down, I knew. You had only me in your world since even before our journey. While I expanded my world, meeting new friends and people, you had only me. Your childhood friend, once inseparable, now separated by a distance arbitrarily created out of ignorance and naivety.   
I paused, and turned to face you. That sudden action seemed like it startled you, freezing in your path like a deer in headlights.

“Say, this is far enough, don’t you think?”

I blurted my thoughts out loud. There was no longer any filters to what I wanted to say.

“We... certainly won’t be caught by anyone out here.”

You hesitated with your answer, as if unsure with what to say. I couldn’t blame you, my words were vague after all.

“That’s not what I meant. This here, around us, this is a beautiful place to die.”

“...Huh?”

Your shocked expression made me feel… Anxious, uneasy. It tugged on my heartstrings, threatening to shake what I thought was my unshakeable will. 

“We had a small journey, didn’t we? Us good-for-nothings.

It was a nice dream while it lasted, and for a bit, I even felt that sacrilegious happiness unfitting of a murderer like me. But then reality reared its ugly head once more. We couldn’t escape it after all.”

“Rin…”

You tried to interject, but were unable to. I wouldn’t let you. I didn’t want to hear what you had to say, because it would ruin my earnest wish. It would pull me back to the reality I so despised.

“I realized it, the five letters in H-A-P-P-Y don't exist in this world after all. It only existed in our reality, our own small world.

Nothing matters anymore now that it’s like this.”

Holding back my tears, I reached into my bag, pulling out the knife we prepared at the start of our trip. A sharp, well-polished knife that would end my life in an instant, painlessly, I hoped. I took the knife, and pointed it at my neck.

“I made it this far because of you. I made it here because you were beside me until now. That’s why it’s enough. It’s enough now.”

I emptied out all my thoughts, closing my eyes so that I couldn’t see your expression. I drowned out our memories, our present, and even that selfish thought of our future together. There was nowhere else for me to return in this world. If I was caught, I would be tried for murder, and then sent to juvie or worse. There would be no future for us in this world. If we kept running, we would eventually run out of funds and be forced to work, once again returning to that ugly reality we despised so much.

Unlike me, you hadn’t done anything wrong. You never committed a grave sin that was both unforgivable morally and criminally, you were simply incompatible with the current world. But it’s not too late for you. You can still have a future. You still had a place in this world. Even if this world is a cruel joke to you, even if it’s nothing more than sick machinations designed to hammer down those who dare stand up, there was still somewhere you could belong to. 

That is why, I had to separate myself from you. Staying by your side would have only kept me attached to this world, going against my earnest wish of departing from it. Staying by your side would’ve given me only more regrets and sadness. I made up my mind. It would be a waste for you to throw your life away as well. You had things to tell the world. Stories and ideas to change the world. 

You hadn’t done anything wrong, that’s why…

“The one who should die should be me alone.”

\---

And then you took your knife across your neck. It was a scene just like from a movie. It felt like I was watching a dream come to an end. It felt like I was pulled back to the reality I so desperately tried to escape by running through the night. I was caught once more by the cruel hand of life, while yearning for the embrace of death as it stared me in my eye. 

The stench of blood, the smell of summer, the swirling chirping of cicadas, the sweltering heat of summer, all of it mixed up into one. By the time I realized it, you were gone. Your blond hair, dyed in blood, spread all over the pebbles along the railroad. Your small, petite body, now only a stain on the otherwise empty train tracks. I was unable to say anything. I was unable to do anything. All that remained was the end of our journey together. The only person in this world had gone.

\---

The days flew by afterwards. Those hot, hot unforgiving days passed. Even though our families, friends, classmates are here, why are only you alone not here? Even now, I still remember that summer day. The words I couldn’t say back then, the things I was unable to do back then, every day I sing about it. Every day I agonize over it. Even though you no longer exist in this world, I was still here. I was still alive, looking for you. You had disappeared completely from this world, and only you. There are things I wanted to tell you. Things I wasn’t able to tell you.

Summer vacation eventually came to a close, putting an end to our summer together permanently. Sneezing at the end of September, all I could remember was the smell of July. The swirling cicadas, the stench of blood. The taste of fresh juice after a day’s worth of walking, the crimson dye that was scattered all over those train tracks. Your soft, warm hands. Your smile, your innocence, that one brief moment where you were truly happy. Nothing but thoughts of you circulated in my head. Thoughts of that summer saturated my entire life. 

“No one does anything wrong.

You did nothing wrong, so that’s enough already, let’s throw it all away.

That’s what you wanted, to hear, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings, this is Campanella. Thank you for reading 'Summer' until now. The first of the last two chapters, 'To Die', was published today. It took quite a while to write due to my own mental health taking a nosedive, partly influenced by this work. I tapped into a lot of my own thoughts and emotions in writing 'Summer', as such it is dangerous due to the heavy connection to suicide and feeling of worthlessness. This is a chapter that takes most heavy inspiration from the original work 'That Summer is Saturated'. As it is a derivative work, I tried to write it exactly like how Kanzaki Iori described it in his songs, however I added my own interpretation of it.
> 
> From here on out, the point of view will no longer be from the female lead Rin, but from the male lead Len. Please warmly look forward to the epilogue, 'To Live'. 
> 
> As a sidenote, I felt as though a knife was held against my throat while writing the infamous suicide scene. I wonder why?

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings, this is Campanella. Thank you very much for reading the first chapter of "Summer". 
> 
> "Summer" is a transformative work based on Kanzaki Iori's songs and writing as a whole, started a full year before the announcement of his novel "Beast/獣". I was suggested to post my work on this website for feedback, so I look forward to hearing from the dear readers. 
> 
> While the song the story is based on uses Kagamine Rin/Len as the two voices, I made the choice to leave these two characters unnamed in the story. The intent being to show that the selfishness of youth and teenage angst permeates in anyone. However, for simplicity's sake, you may refer to them as Kagamine Rin/Len. On that note, Rin is "Me", the self-confessed murderer, while Len is "You", the self-professed worthless person.
> 
> For now, only a short Prologue, "A Summer of You and Me" will be published. Provided enough the interest, the work on this story will continue. That being said, I will probably end up writing the rest of the work regardless. (Laugh)
> 
> I like to write pure stories.  
> Our definitions of pure might be different.  
> Let's make our worlds align through words.


End file.
